Top 10 Tips for Low Self Esteem
Late in 2001, thinking about 'low self esteem' changed
worldwide. The Rowntree Report (The costs and causes of low self
esteem) paved the way for more effective, research-based identification
and treatment of low self esteem.
If you suffer from low self esteem (or have been told you do), or treat
people with low self esteem (or think you do), please read on.
Mark Tyrrell, co-author of the Self Confidence Trainer, completed a UK
tours in 2002, 2003, 2004 & 2005 teaching thousands of health
professionals the facts about self esteem and how to treat low self
esteem in their patients. He has also co-authored a book on self esteem
for Axis Publishing called The Giant Within - Maximise Your Self Esteem.
As you can imagine, Mark has done a copious amount of research on this subject on 'How to
Lift Low Self Esteem'. He has listed his 10 most important 'Tips' for
you here.
1) Low Self Esteem Not To Blame!
We now know that all the
ills of society cannot be blamed on low-self esteem (Prof Nicholas
Emler - The Rowntree Report 2001). According to the latest research,
low self esteem is not to blame for nearly as many problems as has
traditionally been thought.
2) High Self Esteem has been Linked to Criminality
It is now clear that too
high self esteem or 'High Self Esteem Disorder' is often more of a
problem. (This is NOT merely a 'disguised' form of low self-esteem, as
commonly thought). So, if you are the victim of a bully then you can
rest assured you don't have to feel sorry for them.
Hundreds of pieces of
reliable research now show that bullies and many criminals are much
more likely to suffer from unrealistically high self esteem and impulse
control problems than low self esteem. An exaggerated sense of
entitlement - expecting much from many situations - is more likely to
lead to frustration and aggressive, antisocial, or even criminal
behaviour.
3) A Little More Uncertainty Can Help
Contrary to popular opinion, people with low self-esteem are always very sure of themselves. This manifests in their conviction that they are
worthless or inadequate. As you will know if you have ever tried to
argue with someone who puts themselves down continually, it is very
hard to do! When someone with low self esteem becomes less sure of
their own opinion of themselves and therefore begins to assess counter
evidence regarding their worthlessness, their self image begins to
become more healthy.
4) You Can't Argue Someone Better!
Telling some one they
are great or wonderful when they are constantly negative about
themselves will not work. Arguing with someone who is so sure of
themselves does not work, as we all know. You will just break rapport
with that person. We have all met people who feel more comfortable in
relationships with people who treat them badly - because that person
seems to see things they way they do.
People with low self esteem can be upset by
'disconfirming feedback.' In other words if something happens which
indicates that they may not be as terrible as they thought, it can feel
disturbing as it contradicts their way of perceiving. Healthy self
esteem needs to emerge subtly, not as a sudden result of hearing you
are 'really special' or 'fantastic'.
People need proof that unsettles the certainty that they
are so 'defective' or inadequate and leads to a more realistic and
balanced self-assessment. This can only happen when they become calmer
and more relaxed so that they can observe themselves more objectively
and less emotionally. When ever we are highly emotional our perception
is distorted ('emotional hijacking') when people calm down around the
idea of themselves then a healthier self-esteem can emerge!
5) Child Abuse Increases Likelihood of Low Self Esteem
People who were abused
as children (physical beating or sexual abuse) are more likely to
suffer unrealistic low self esteem as adults. This is because of
constant repetition of a 'message' that they are of little value or
just an object to be used. In a way they have been 'brain washed' by
constant criticism or abuse that they are a certain way.
When a person begins to question this former
conditioning or brainwashing then a healthier and more accurate sense
of self can begin to emerge. However the person may have to be
de-traumatised so the emotional brain responds differently in future
(rather than solely learning to think differently about stuff). However
the way we think and our assumptions need to be observed, understood
and if necessary challenged. (explanatory styles)
(Note: Most people who have low self esteem were not abused as children.)
6) Healthy Pleasures Are Vital
We need to engage in
activities which we enjoy and in which we can 'lose ourselves'
regularly. The better one's sense of themselves the less they tend to
use words like 'me, myself, I, mine' (personal pronouns) Someone's
mental and even, to some extent, physical health can be directly
related to how 'self-referential' they are in their conversation - as
people become healthier they use the 'I' word less, in the same way
that when your knee stops hurting you don't need to rub it any more.
People should be encouraged to focus their attention
away from themselves as well as to be able to take their own needs into
account. A healthy balance should be encouraged as should the
development of real practical skills. Real responsibility should be
encouraged so that self-worth can respond to external evidence on an
ongoing basis.
7) Make the Most of Success
Low self esteem requires
a particular attitude towards success. Whenever you succeed at
something, you must 'write it off' as good luck, chance, or someone
else's responsibility.
To gain a more realistic view of yourself, you need to
take appropriate credit for your successes. In the Self Confidence
Trainer, we call this skill 'Converting'.
This involves learning how to convert real successes
into statements about yourself. The other part of the picture is to
view perceived failures as temporary and not statements about your
'core identity'.
8) Build on Solid Foundations
For anyone to be
psychologically and physicaly healthy on an ongoing basis, there are a
set of requirements that must be built into life. This is the checklist
I use with my patients:
1. The need to give and receive attention
2. Taking care of the mind-body connection
3. The need for meaning, purpose and goals
4. The need for a connection to something greater than ourselves
5. The need for creativity and stimulation
6. The need for intimacy and connection
7. The need for a sense of control
8. The need for status
Of course, it is likely
that at any one time, one or more of these may be slightly lacking in
your life, without dire consequences. However, in the long-term, they
must all be catered for one way or another.
9) Characteristics of Genuinely Low Self Esteem
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